Food & I

I’ve only been posting in my regular personal tumblr for the past 8 months, but I rediscovered this one when I was googling for something related to bulimia. Things have gotten slightly better, although not really. 

So, what’s different? Well, first things first, I’m in college now. I’m 2,468 miles away from home, from my parents, from everybody I knew during my childhood years. I thought getting away from the negative environment at home would help me overcome bulimia, but it hasn’t. I find school stressful and although I’ve made tons of friends during these past two or three months, I still feel terribly alone.

During the first few weeks of college, I didn’t binge and purge. I tried my hardest to resist and was completely committed to my recovery. I studied way ahead of schedule and slept a miraculous 8 hours on average during those few weeks. I felt amazing. Then, something happened. I made friends. I had to spend time with them. I spent too much time with them. Now, I’m back to my old habits: stressing, procrastinating, sleeping very little, feeling fatigued all of the time, and binging and purging every single damn day. Big, big, big relapse. I mean, not really a relapse since I never really stopped purging COMPLETELY. I’ll admit that I subjectively binged and purged on one ice cream cone or something small during those first few weeks. Before dinner, I binged on a whole spray bottle of whipped cream, 10 sugar cookies, 2 slices of cold pizza, 3 squares of cake with frosting, 4 squares of rice krispies bar, 1 cup of vanilla froyo, and 3 turkey corn dogs, all from the dining hall. Purged,  went back to the dining hall to have my proper meal with my friends. It wasn’t proper at all. Salad of romaine, beets, olives, mushrooms, and bacon bits. No protein whatsoever. I didn’t really feel like eating because of the binge and purge session right before that. After dinner,  I came back with my friends to my room. We were planning to watch a movie, but I told them I’d stay back and study instead. My roommate left with them to watch it in the lounge downstairs. I saw a whole gallon of ice cream in the freezer on the first floor… I waited until they all left to get it. I started off the binge with some halloween chocolates from the dining hall (2 packets of mini whoppers, 1 york patty, 1 krackel, 1 caramel apple) and then binged on the whole fucking gallon of vanilla mayfield ice cream. Purge. Under hot water in the shower. The ice cream numbed my body. I was so hypothermic because of it. Shaking. Numb. Frozen. My teeth still hurt. I did this purge handsfree. The pizza purge was not. I still hate using my hands. I usually don’t.

I also went for my first therapy session today. Went to the wellness center last week out of desperation and got referred to an ED specialist. Every therapist I’ve ever gone to  is ‘so surprised at how open and brutally honest’ I am with them at the first session. Thing is, I’m in the minority of patients who really want to fucking get better. I’m sick of living this way, but I can’t even commit to doing things to keep myself out of triggering situations. I’m never willing to reach out to my friends for help. Nobody here knows I have an eating disorder and I don’t want them to know. Nobody here knows I’m on Zoloft. Nobody here knows about my traumatic past relationship with my parents. I was sure I’d want to keep it that way, but now I’m not. I don’t know how much I want to let them know.

Also, we’ve been having major issues with stealing food from the common refrigerators. We have an honor code we live by, a judicial board, etc… and everybody’s really pissed at not being able to keep their food in the fridge. They even shut the refrigerators down because so much drama was going on because of the stealing. Thing is, I’m the thief. I’m the one who’s stealing food to binge and purge on. I didn’t think anyone would suspect me, but apparently, some rumor started. Also, I’d been stealing my roommates’ food under her bed to binge and purge on. In the beginning of the semester, I made a huge effort to replace the food before she would return to the room. After a while, I realized she didn’t even eat it anyway, so I didn’t. Then she started to notice. And she asked me about it. Being dumb, I said I didn’t do it because I was embarrassed of the ridiculous amounts being stolen. I looked her in the eye and lied. I told her some of my food had been disappearing too so she got really scared that people were coming into our room. I didn’t want to ruin our relationship. We’re the best roommate pair we know of. We’re really good friends. Everyone started to suspect me, but somehow, I convinced everybody that I really am not the one stealing by having them pity me and talking to them really sweetly. Nobody ever suspects sweet, funny, charming, lovable, and intelligent people. That’s who I am. That’s who I am aside from my eating disorder.

Tons of food go through me on a daily basis.By tons I mean a huge volume. I eat something like 15 pounds of fruits and vegetables. Forbade myself from carrots for a month because of carotenemia. I’m still orange because I haven’t stopped eating foods rich in vitamin A (broccoli, spinach, kale, etc…). 

Good: Been eating really healthy foods. Loads of veggies, lean protein sources, yogurt, cottage cheese, and complex carbs.

Bad: Been binging on fruit (10 apples at once, 5 mangoes at once, 7 bananas at once, etc… HIGH IN SUGAR AND CALORIES TOO) Purging fruit too.

I eat loads of spinach, broccoli, kale, lettuce, carrots, bean sprouts, clover sprouts, alfalfa, radishes, and beets.  

I’m orange due to carotenemia. My parents think it’s something else. I know. I finish a whole 5 lb bag of broccoli in two days. I know. 

I’ve been LETTING myself gain. I binged a whole day’s worth of calories (1500) and I was so full the next day I couldn’t get myself to eat… It wasn’t unhealthy food. It was apples, whole wheat bread, and very very lean meat… which is why I was so bloated. Then night rolled around and I binged a whole day’s worth again! Plus 800. Today, I ate 1000 calories and was going to call it a day… but my parents brought home more fruit (major trigger) and I just binged on 6 apples. Full as hell… but I can’t purge. I’ve tried and tried buy my upper stomach just hurts so much when I do that I don’t. I’ve been letting everything digest. I don’t know how much I weigh now. My parents hid the scale. I’ve consumed like 2300 more than usual… and I’ve been trying to get moving but I can’t because it’s hard to breathe on a full stomach. UGH. Now it’s like I have binge eating disorder.. and I’m just scared I won’t be able to stop gaining.

Wow. I have no idea what I’ve gotten myself into. So instead of sticking to the meal plan I last posted, that morning I woke up, I had so much work to do that I literally ate a 1500 calorie breakfast because of the stress. I was SO full, it was all protein bars, shakes, bread, and fruit so it really didn’t digest well… The whole day I was SO full that I didn’t have any urge to binge whatsoever! I felt great and had energy all day without feeloing deprived. The only downside was the gas and uncomfortable feeling of not being able to move/breathe freely. When night rolled around, I got ready to sleep, but being forced to eat something, I ended up binging 1740 calories worth before falling alsspe. Burned 240 walking around already and I haven’t eaten anything since. I feel way too full. I don’t know if this big one meal a day thing is good or not but  it’s definitely putting off that constant urge to binge and purge all day. Who knows, maybe it’s even a good thing.

Breakfast
Coffee  (20)
Apple (100)

Snack
Pear (100)

Lunch
2 Slices Bread (80)
5 slices turkey ham (50)
Apple (100)
Carrots (40)

Snack
Protein Shake (160)
Popcorn (100)

Dinner
Tuna (150)
Kale (80)
1 slice Bread (40)
Almond milk + chocolate (20)

Snack
Cottage cheese or yogurt (100)
Apple (100)
Orange (100)

TOTAL: 1340 calories

160 calories for food offerings throughout the day. I hope I don’t get off track and binge.

It’s been almost an entire year since I revisited THIS blog. I’ve been keeping my personal blog that’s accessible to my friends updated, but I kind of forgot about this one. 

So much has happened since April of 2010… I learned how to purge without fingers, really effectively. After learning, I spent my whole summer binging and purging loads of junk and began to abuse milk of magnesia. During AP Exams, the tension between my parents and I skyrocketed and I finally went in to my school’s wellness center to get some help for both my eating disorder and my abusive parents. They got the Child Protective Services involved and left my hanging with my ED. At that time, I was binging way too much and not purging effectively, so my weight wasn’t dangerously low. The CPS forced me to check in with my pediatrician and tell her everything and she didn’t really do much, as she’s asian and doesn’t have much experience treating patients with eating disorders. 

I pretty much stayed around the same weight until August, when my family went on two consecutive vacations: a vacation home in Sonoma then a tour of the east coast. I finally got to visit Manhattan, my dream place of residence :) I LOVED it. Needless to say, I ate very little during the trip, salads and vegetables only and they didn’t really take note of anything. I would binge on junk and purge in the showers of the hotels everyday too… So after those three weeks away from home, my weight plummeted to 83 pounds, bringing me to a BMI of 15.3. I went back to school thinking everything would be  okay, but I became too depressed to do any work and stayed at home all day binging and purging instead. I had been vomitting uncontrollably into containers (graphic, yes) and hiding them under my bed and throughout my entire house just to hide it from my family, and my  parents couldn’t take it anymore. They finally checked me into the eating disorders clinic at UCSF.  After my first second visit, my dad didn’t want to go anymore because they kept on mentioning the CPS and threatening my parents to take action and help me. So I didn’t return for another week. When I finally went back, my weight had dropped to 80 pounds and my heart rate was 39bpm (normal is 72), I was hypothermic with a body temperature of 35 degrees, and they immediately forced me into hospitalization, a few days before Halloween. I spent two and a half weeks there being force fed with disgusting hospital food. Doctors, psychiatrists, and psychologists came in and out all day. I was supervised during meals, after meals, and limited to excreting my wastes into the commode. They wouldn’t let me walk or move around. I was jabbed by a million needles, my IV’s never worked well. When I got out, I had regained the sense of reasonable eating. I had also gained ten pounds and was disgusting at my new fat. The pants I had checked into the hospital in were now incredibly snug and uncomfortable. My favorite brown cords were definitely triggering. They tried to keep me on the 2700 calorie plan when I left, but I knew how to trick my parents into thinking I was eating a lot. I prepared all of my meals on my own and limited myself to a 1500-1600 calorie plan. I lost weight. I lost 4 pounds and my heart was failing again, I was forced into hospitalization a second time, the  day before Thanksgiving. Fuck, I had planned for so much and I didn’t want to explain to my relatives the reason for my absence. My second stay only lasted a week… and I had to check in the clinic twice a week ever since. Nothing’s improved. I lie to them all the time. I still binge and purge all the time. The only difference is that I make sureI get enough calories staying inside me do that my weight doesn’t drop more. I’ve maintained 87-89 pounds ever since. They still haven’t found a psychologist for me. Oh, and citalopram… They put me on 10mg and upped the dosage to 30 but I stopped taking it as I wasn’t seeing any results after 10 weeks of use (they started giving it to me during my first hospitalization). The side effects were too much to handle. Palpitations, chest tightness, and the worst… insomnia.

Here I am. I just binged and purged about 10 minutes ago, the second time today. I still haven’t done any homework. I’m tired. At least I got my college apps in on time… on January 1st. I’m waiting for the results and I’m dead scared.

I dunno where I’ll end up. Dunno.  Dunno…

Been feeling depressed lately. Again. My mood had been good all of January despite the fact that tensions between me and my family haven’t changed.

I should probably start that essay. 

So, last night, I successfully managed to not binge before I slept! Hoorah!

I stayed home to ENTIRE day today because my parents didn’t want to go anywhere. When I woke up, my stomach was pretty flat after peeing. It was even growling.

I ate really healthily for the first few hours of the day: mango, seaweed, blueberries, a lot of oranges, apples, smart popcorn, a few cheerios. We were planning to go to the Cherry Blossom Festival parade today, but my dad started painting the BATHROOM -_- and my mom got lazy. I was so mad. It was really sunny all day and still is.

After I learned that we weren’t going anywhere, I started to binge. I ate rice with curry, cereal, sushi, and ice cream. I went to our half bathroom and purged the ice cream out but I couldn’t manage to get anything else out since there was no shower for my comfort.

Now, my mom is cooking noodles and I’m ready to binge and shower after… the paint is dry now. I haven’t purged all day, so imagine… how many calories have I absorbed already? Thousands.

Food and I have been on especially bad terms these past few weeks, as my shower has been inaccessible during many of the most crucial occassions.. like today again.

Here I am, eating and typing.

Fuck.

I’m gonna start dancing for an hour crazily when I’m home alone tomorrow. For the whole week. I gotta get a grip!

Oh, not to mention that I didn’t even study today because I was so preoccupied with eating. I haven’t spent more than five minutes without eating today. Yeah, I’m a fatass.

I haven’t weighed myself for a whole week now because I’m so scared to see. I was 98 before spring break, ballooned up to 102 after not being able to purge after binging all week. A week of school later, I was down to 99. Now, oh who KNOWS? I’m scared. I need to get down to 96 AT LEAST.

The guy I like offered to drive on Friday. I was really hesitant because I hate troubling other people, but I finally said okay. I was all smiley inside. We talked a lot and it wasn’t even  awkward. That was a first. I was so happy the whole day but I still binged and purged. I wasn’t even that stressed! I don’t know why I binge and purge. I guess it’s just a habit now.

I know I am tired. I should sleep, but I really want to binge right now.

Yesterday night, at 2AM, I was up on my computer and I didn’t want to study, so I made myself some sushi, a LOT, and binged on something like 3/4 a box of Trader Joe’s Joe’s O’s and 2 pounds of rice, soy sauce, sesame oil, and seaweed. I could not purge because I didn’t want to wake up everybody in the house with the shower, so I went to bed. The next morning, even though I was so full, I binged even more.. Rice, chicken, an entire pie crust, a costco sized package of vinta crackers, and canned pumpkin mixed with heaps of white sugar and evaporated milk. I purged in the shower after everyone left the house for the day.

They came back with a quart of fatty toasted coconut ice cream. I couldn’t resist. I ate half of the quart, took a plastic bag, went to a bedroom, locked the door, bent over, and purged. Ice cream is the only thing that I can binge on and not have to go to a shower to purge.

For the rest of the day, I had some vegetables, soup, and seaweed.

It’s now 12:54 AM and I’m chomping on lettuce. My stomach is uncomfortably still protruding from last night and my bra is so snug to the point where I can’t breathe easily. Yet, I still want to binge.

I know I should just sleep. I’m TIRED and FOOD isn’t going to resolve the problem.

I will put the romaine lettuce back into the refrigerator, brush my teeth, wash my face, and go to bed.

Let’s see how this goes.

Food and I have not been on good terms for the past couple of years.

We had the best relationship every for the years prior to my eating disorders, but the media, my stress, and my history finally gathered together to let my mind buckle in to the food devil.

About two years ago, I began to restrict myself from unhealthy foods. Prior to the beginning of it all, I had witnessed many of my loved ones suffer from cardiovascular problems and diabetes. Stroke after stroke, heart attack after heart attack, coma after coma, death after death… I learned my way into a phobia of such health problems.

I had always been on the low side height and weight chart, but I decided that I wanted to lose weight to lower my chances of suffering from such illnesses. I also adored Twiggy, Gisele Bundchen, and Kate Moss. Oh how svelte their figures are… beautiful long limbs, classy gaunt faces, and protruding hip bones. I wanted to have their bodies.

For about three months, I went with simply eating a Kashi TLC bar for lunch and one small bowl of rice and whatever we had for dinner… I lost about five pounds. After that, summer came and a bunch of delicious fruit swarmed the local groceries. I stayed fruitarian all summer, until school began again. I carried an extremely heavy course load that I could not handle. I began to eat foods I never allowed myself- cookies, ice cream, graham crackers, pie, cake. I ate all I wanted for two months and gained about eight pounds. I felt so disgusting.

I began to read pro-ana and pro-mia sites for support. I became bulimic. I had experimented with purging a few times before, but it was also so difficult to stimulate my gag reflex that I never really gave it a chance. For months and months, I binged and purged— usually taking up more than an entire hour to purge. I lost a few pounds and maintained about four pounds above my lowest weight.

I thought I would be able to control my bulimia, but I completely lost it. I can’t go a day without binging. Because I can ONLY purge in the shower (I cannot purge into a toilet because I need to bend over and position myself in a certain manner), I can only binge and purge once a day. Whenever we go on vacation, I find myself constantly stressed by the fact that I cannot binge and purge. One day, we found out that our shower leaked to our garage. The three week long renovation project began. I was utterly FRUSTRATED and ANGRY. I couldn’t stop the binging, and I couldn’t purge to compensate. I binged so much until I couldn’t breathe but I couldn’t stop. I cried and cried.

My grades fell dramatically from the time consuming binging and purging itself, the fatigue, the preoccupation of counting calories, finding ways to hide food wrappers and empty containers, and self-loathing.

My goal is to establish a healthy relationship with food again.

This blog was created for me to spew out all my thoughts and feelings about food into the real world.

Food, I’m ready. Let’s be friends again.